


Testosterone and Silky Hair

by Halrloprillalar (prillalar)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 02:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6638077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prillalar/pseuds/Halrloprillalar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A cycle of Alternate Universe stories.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Testosterone and Silky Hair

**Author's Note:**

> I mean no disrespect to those who write AUs and/or worship the Silky Haired One.

**Episode One: Quest for Fire**

He was the leader of the clan. He chose the caves where they slept. He led the hunters after meat. He took the females for his pleasure, whichever he wished.

The clan called him Wolt. It meant "Very Big Man".

When the moon was full, a strange man came and asked to join the clan. Three hunters had recently been eaten by a bear, so Wolt agreed. On his first hunt, the stranger showed bravery and stamina. But when the wild boar charged, he dropped his spear.

Still, the eyes of the clan followed the stranger wherever he went. They called him Mald, which meant "New Boy With Pouty Lower Lip." And the eyes of Wolt followed him as well.

One day, Wolt called for Mald to be sent to him, in the cavern he kept for himself alone. In the dim light, Wolt looked on Mald and was pleased. Mald's lanky, graceful (except when hunting) frame, his eyes green as leaves, his pale skin, nearly hairless as compared to the clan -- these things Wolt took note of. Mald's long, tapered fingers, his drooping lower lip, the sleepy look he wore even in the day -- these things also Wolt regarded.

Wolt began to burn for Mald as he was used to burn for women. He gestured to Mald to get down on his hands and knees. Moving behind him, Wolt grabbed a handful of Mald's dark hair. It was so soft, softer than the women's, that it almost slipped through his fingers. Wolt was inflamed and he fucked Mald hard in the ass.

When he withdrew, Wolt noticed that Mald was weeping, though silently. Wolt was immediately sorry for being so rough and took Mald in his arms, vowing eternal care and protection towards him.

Then they invented kissing.

* * *

**Episode Two: In the Navy**

Captain Skinner paced the deck, pausing every few steps to peer through his spyglass at the ship on the horizon. "Get the men rowing," he barked to the first mate. "We'll never catch her at this rate."

The mate jumped to do his bidding. Skinner was known as a fair but hard man, both to his crew in their tight little pants, and throughout the admiralty. He was legendary for his discipline. Many a crewman had felt the sting of the lash at the captain's hands; they all fought for the privilege.

His stoicism was renowned as well. When the letter came with news of his wife's death, he merely folded it, saying, "She is in God's hands," and resumed beating the cook.

The ship was drawing closer now and Skinner could see the Jolly Roger fluttering at her mast. "Ready the cannons," he commanded. He drew his pistol and waited, stern and fierce. He had been testy ever since his cabin boy had succumbed to food poisoning three ports ago.

The fight was brief and brutal. Cannon stove in the side of the pirate vessel and the crew was easily overcome. But at the last, the pirate captain dragged a young man onto the deck and threatened to cut his throat if Skinner would not meet him in single combat.

Captain Skinner looked into the eyes of the hostage, frightened but proud, and knew he fought for more than honour, knew he fought for the innocence of the hazel-eyed boy.

"Rapiers," the pirate captain said and drew his sword. The pirate was something of a honey himself, though an evil honey. His eyes glittered green as emeralds beneath dark hair. Huge gold hoops pierced his ears. And where his left hand should be was a glistening hook.

The mate tossed Skinner a sword and they set to. After many a feint, many a prise de fer, many a glasse, balestra, fleche, riposte, and sixte, Skinner ran the pirate through and heaved his body over the side.

Captain Skinner commanded the hostage be brought to his cabin, where he cut the boy's bonds and made him comfortable sitting on the bunk.

"What is your name, boy?"

"William Fox, sir." William looked nervous. It was very sweet. Skinner ran his eyes along the young man's supple frame, over his slender limbs and sensitive fingers, over his high cheekbones and bee-stung lips, his hazel eyes flecked with gold.

"Tell me, William, what did the pirate want with you?"

"Well, sir, mostly he took me from behind, but sometimes from the front and other times in the Humming Bee position, which he had a diagram for in a book. And last week we tried the Triple Shining Moon, but the second mate broke his ankle and we didn't get to finish."

Skinner was shocked. "He forced you to perform these lurid acts?"

William was shocked even more. "No, sir. I like them. Don't you?" Without waiting for an answer, William slid to the floor and sucked the captain's cock. Skinner was surprised but quickly rallied. He put his hand on William's head to urge him deeper and when his fingers touched the hair, like strands of soft brown silk, he was lost in passion and in love.

After the best orgasm ever, Skinner had the pirate booty searched for the book. Then he put the first mate in charge and didn't leave his cabin for the rest of the voyage.

* * *

**Episode Three: Sword and Sorcery**

On the third day of the seventh month, Skilter and Lex, wizards of the realm, broke their journey in a small town, needing rest and refreshment.

Skilter was a large man, bald of head and straight of back, more warrior-like than wizardly. Lex, though, was slender and lithe, with snapping green eyes and a shifty expression.

On their way out of town, a small brown dog began to follow them.

"Shoo!" Lex shouted, waving his staff at the puppy.

Skilter was perplexed. "I had thought you were of the order of Small Furry Creatures, friend Lex, and bound to love and protection towards them."

A look of disgust crossed Lex's face. "Yes, but...didn't I ever tell you this story? When I was at wizard school, I kept a rat. We had fights in the basement in the evening. ChiChi was the champion and made me a lot of money. One day, my advisor found her and jumped to the wrong conclusion. He switched my major."

"So you don't like animals?"

"No." To illustrate the point, Lex kicked the dog, causing it to yelp.

"Lex! Have you no honour? No regard for the pain of others, however lowly?"

"You're always on my back about something, Skilter. I've had it -- I'm going back to town."

This was terrible! "What about the geas we are under? We must travel to the fair city of Karlyrian."

Lex was already turning back. "Fuck the geas. Fuck you and your little dog too. I'm out of here."

Skilter sighed and bent down to talk to the puppy. "Although I am a wizard of the order of Martial Arts and Administration, you are welcome to accompany me." He stroked the dog's head. The fur was very fine and soft. "I'll call you Max." And they strode off together, Max at Skilter's heel.

In the evening, Skilter moved off the path and set up camp. He shared both food and water with Max and, snuggled together, they slept before the fire.

So they continued for several days. Skilter was amazed at the intelligence Max showed, as the dog fetched water, picked up trash, and flushed out game. One night by the fire, he looked deep into the puppy's big brown eyes. And wondered.

Rummaging in his pack, he found Crombender's Elucidating Eyeglasses and put them on. His suspicions were confirmed: Max was no puppy, but a man under an enchantment.

Since Skilter's normal spells didn't include this sort of thing, he pulled out Diggory's Dependable Disenchanter. In no time at all, a young man stood where Max used to be. A comely young man. A comely, naked young man. Skilter took him all in from the long sleek legs up to the glossy chestnut hair, from the muscular thighs up to the intense bronze eyes, from the generously-sized member up to the full, drooping mouth and then back down again, where Skilter was stuck for a while.

"I am Fawkes of the house Multayre, placed under a curse these six months." The young man's voice, low and husky, stroked Skilter's ear. "In that time, only you were kind to me. And so I pledge myself to you, in all things." Fawkes paused to moisten his rosy lips. " **All** things."

Skilter blinked, trying to make sense of it all. "What did you say your name was?"

"Just call me Max," Fawkes said and closed the gap between them. Soon they were rolling frantically together on the ground, oblivious to all but pleasure, each other, and making sure they didn't fall right into the fire.

Spent, they lay side by side, flecked with sweat and bits of grass, still nuzzling and stroking in the afterglow.

"Can I join you for the next round?"

Skilter sat up. Lex. "Where have you been?"

"I went and got the college to change my domain. Now I'm a Wizard of Looooove. So, can I?"

Fawkes clutched Skilter's arm. "Why should we, when you showed no friendliness before?"

"I have Fishbein's Fabulous Cockring."

So they let him.

* * *

**Episode Four: John Deere Green**

Walton Serge wiped his brow with his handkerchief as he entered the farmhouse. "It's a scorcher today, Kathy."

"It's nearly dinnertime." Kathy turned from the stove, face flushed from the heat. "John Junior's in the barn. And call the hired man."

Walton nodded and went back outside. As he walked across the yard, he surveyed it with pride. It had only been three years since he'd moved out here, to run the farm for his widowed sister and be a man to her children, but already the land was in his blood, as much as if he'd farmed it all his life.

When he'd arrived, the place was ramshackle, run down. But he soon had things ticking over smoothly, growing wheat and keeping chickens with same brisk efficiency as he'd killed men in the war. Lately, he'd been teaching John Junior how to slaughter chickens with one hand. His daddy had been right; the Marine Corps was good training for anything in life.

Walton rousted John Junior out, then went to the edge of the field. In the distance, the tractor moved slowly. He shouted and waved. Soon, the tractor trundled in and the hired man jumped off.

When he'd first set eyes on Willie Malter, Walton had doubts the man would be suitable. Walton himself was a big man, broad and strong enough for the demands of the farm. Malter was tall and lanky, with delicate fingers and pale skin that would burn in the sun. Malter had proved him wrong, though, tackling every job with great enthusiasm and wearing lots of sunblock.

"Dinner time, Willie."

"I figured." Willie smiled and Walton noticed how green his eyes were under the bill of his cap.

They walked back to the house together. Kathy and the children were already seated. Walton sat beside little Maggie and asked the blessing.

"This stew is very fine, Miss Kathy." Willie smiled at her and she blushed. She was looking very pretty, with tendrils of red hair escaping the knot at the back of her head.

Walton found himself irritated more and more as the meal progressed and Willie focused his attentions on Kathy. And Kathy seemed to be returning them, giving Willie the last piece of gooseberry pie when she knew that gooseberry was Walton's favourite! Even after, when they went back to work, he dwelled on it until he was fully riled.

When they broke for the day, Walton approached Malter, who was washing up by the rain barrel. He'd pulled down the bib of his overalls and stripped off his t-shirt and was scrubbing his arms and neck. Walton noticed how little hair Willie had, how pale he still was. He looked younger than he was.

"Willie, I want you to stay away from Miss Kathy. You're bothering her."

Malter looked up, rivulets of water running down his chest. "I didn't think I was. Did she say something to you?"

"You let me worry about that, Malter. You just do your job and keep your mouth shut, you hear?"

"No. If Miss Kathy tells me to keep away, I will. But not until then."

Walton had had enough. Stepping forward, he punched Willie in the jaw and knocked him over. Then as he gazed at Willie slumped against the side of the barn, he knew. Knew why he'd yelled at Willie so much for months. Why he'd belittled him, assigned him the worst jobs, made him sleep in the barn, rejected his ideas about crop rotation.

It had been like this in the Marines, too. When a man bothered Walton, and many did, he wouldn't know until he punched him if he just didn't like the guy, in which case he'd hit him again. Or if it was something else, in which case he'd take another course.

In this case, it was love. Walton caught Willie in his arms and crushed him to his chest. Then, gently turning Willie's chin with callused fingers, Walton kissed him, deeply, passionately, his fingers twining in the silky strands of Willie's hair. Willie kissed him back. Walton carried him into the barn and they made love in the hayloft.

"Walton?" Willie looked up, all green eyes and tousled walnut hair. "I should tell you that I'm still sweet on Miss Kathy too. And I think she's sweet on me."

Walton frowned, but he was in a really good mood, having gotten laid for the first time since the carnival had been in town eight months ago. "I'm sure we can work something out."

So, from then on, Willie spent Monday, Wednesday, and Friday nights with Kathy and Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday nights with Walton.

On Sundays, they thanked the Good Lord and they rested.

* * *

**Episode Five: Master and Apprentice**

Jedi Master Sergei Walt strode through the streets of Coruscant, his Padawan at his side. Fox Antilles had been his apprentice for ten years now, much longer than normal. But Fox had his own ideas about the Force and how to use it and so he wasn't ready to take the trials yet. As well, he was frequently a bad, bad boy and then Sergei had to spank him. Afterwards, they'd have sex. The other Jedi said it was a scandal, but that was just because they weren't getting laid.

Sergei knew that all the other Jedi masters were jealous of him because he had such a pretty Padawan. Fox was tall and slender, graceful of limb and nimble of foot. Sergei loved his sweet hazel eyes, his bee-stung lips, and his busy tongue.

As they walked, Sergei lectured Fox on the ways of the Force and which bars in the city had the best Corellian brandy. He wasn't sure that Fox was paying attention, though. Then they passed Darth Maul, who was leaning up against a wall, smoking a cigarette, giving them an evil look.

"Look, master," said Fox. "It's Darth Maul."

"Never mind, young Padawan," Sergei replied. "Now, in the Howling Wookiee, you can get Old Reserve--"

"But Master Yoda told me I should be mindful of the Sith!" Fox's voice was petulant and Sergei thought that a spanking was imminent. Sometimes he suspected that Fox **liked** the spankings.

"But not at the expense of your obedience to me." Sergei put his arm around Fox's neck and tugged at the long braid his Padawan wore. As the the thin brown cord slipped through his fingers, like threads of silk twisted into rope, he decided to skip the spanking and go right to the sex. "Now, we're going to have sex in the alley."

"Yes, master," Fox said.

But before they could turn into the alley, Darth Maul swaggered up to them and extended his lightsaber, which was twice as long as anyone else's. So Sergei and Fox grabbed their lightsabers, which were quite respectable, so they had no need to feel inadequate. And they had a big fight.

Darth Maul was so skilled that he had the upper hand right from the beginning, even though it was two on one. Sergei admired the Sith Lord's lethal grace, though he also of course despised him.

Then Fox tripped on his shoelace, which was untied like it often was, and Darth Maul stabbed him and put a huge hole right in the middle of his gut. Sergei forgot the fight and dropped to his knees to cradle his dying Padawan. Darth Maul stepped back, since he was a gentleman as well as a Sith Lord.

"No, no," Sergei whispered, but he knew nothing could save Fox now.

"Master," Fox rasped, sweat matting his soft brown hair.

"Yes, Fox?" Sergei leaned in closer, trying to hear his apprentice's dying words.

"Master," Fox gurgled, blood bubbling at his lips.

"Yes, Fox? What is it?" Sergei didn't get any closer than that, because he didn't want to get blood on his face. But he still held Fox tenderly.

"Feed my fish," Fox murmured. And then he died. Sergei cried, then stood up to leave.

"Where are you going?" Darth Maul looked surprised.

"To feed the fish." Sergei knew he had to carry out his Padawan's last request.

"Do you have to do that right now?"

"I thought that's what he wanted."

Darth Maul stuck his saber in his belt and came closer. "I think he just meant generally. In fact, most types of fish can survive for weeks without food. So, what's another twenty minutes?"

Now it was Sergei's turn to be surprised. "Why twenty minutes?"

"Didn't you say something about sex in the alley?"

Sergei thought about it. He didn't really know that much about fish, so he could only assume Darth Maul was right. "How do you feel about spankings?"

Darth Maul smiled. "I'd love to give you one."

So they went into the alley for twenty minutes. Afterwards, they got an apartment together and had sex in front of the fish every night.


End file.
